Need to Grow Up

Hello readers. Not really enthusiastic I know. I have graduated from my University and I am confused. I do not know how to proceed. I overthink, underthink and it just goes on like a vicious circle. I have been called many things : 0,zero,good for nothing, useless & so on. It's endless. Is calling me names supposed to motivate me in any way? What less can I get from my honorary mother XXXX. I don't know what jack shit parents she had but she treats her child with no love, understanding & respect. Honestly I sound like a victim but I have anger issues too. Yes, I do not give her any respect and why would I. Since the day I could understand that responsibility is going to be a huge part of my life, my dearest mother thinks hypocrisy and verbally abusing her daughter will make me responsible, obedient & last but not the least a PERFECT child molded for her.       

What am I scared of now?

What if I become like my mother. I've been born into a family of domestic abuse. In India, it's normal to raise your hand on your child, mock them, compare them with other children , expect everything to be perfect and then comes hell a lot of societal pressure. 

• Excessive criticism 
• Invalidating emotions
• Name-calling 
• Making jokes at your expense
• Yelling, screaming, and swearing
• Constant comparisons to others
• Threatening to hurt you/your friends/people close to you 
• Blaming you for things that are out of your control
• Shaming or humiliating you in front of others
• Verbal aggression

These are the things I am scared of doing. Being a monster to my own child is not what I want. I do not want to be a mother who grows into another me. This cycle needs to end. I am tired of crying every time I can never become strong after what I have gone through. I have lost the strength to do everything. I think so low of myself and no one can help me change, not even myself. There seems no be no solution. I feel like giving up. I already have ticked 3 points from the above list. God its hopeless. Before I finish, I have tried talking to my mother about this and nothing has changed. I am tired of fighting all hese years. I need the peace.

What I am going to do now?

 

• I am going to make decisions for myself, for my good. 
• Be away from toxic people. Ignorance is bliss. Master it.
• Meditate, workout, cook your own food
• Learn a new skill. Keeps you away from other people & unnecessary conversations.
• Paint my door
• Learn a martial art
• Think of business ideas
• Bake something 
• Read some non-fictional books
• Keep writing about my progress

What will I get from doing this?

I am not really sure whether I will be satisfied with my results or not. I should be because "We should always be satisfied". I will keep updating my progress here whether my mind found some peace or not. Maybe if you are interested I can talk about the brighter part of my life if this is too depressing to read.

Thank you readers. 

Have a great day! I promise the blogs will sound happy after a few months. Hopefully writing my worries and sharing helps.

A bit about myself

I am 21 but I sound like a teenager. I have completed my Bachelor of Engineering in Biotechnology and I am hoping to get a job right now( makes the whole above situation understandable) before going abroad for my masters. Yes, lots of pressure. Peer pressure, social pressure, everything. Honestly I don't want my family to read this.  Just thought if there are people I can connect with I might feel better and  gain some advice to feel better. Also found out there's a research on this topic.